Act of God

PROMPT: A man sues God because his insurance company won't pay for the damages done to his house in a storm. To his complete surprise and Horror, God actually shows up.

“Mister Jackson, it says here that you’d like to call God as a witness.”

“As God is my witness, Your Honor.”

“Was that meant to be funny, Mister Jackson?”

“Yes, Your Honor, just a little bit.” There were titters from the gallery at that.

“Mister Jackson, I assume that there’s some kind of point being made here?” The Judge did his best to sound both bored and put out.

Ivan Jackson put his hands behind his back, looked at the attorneys for his insurance company, at the gallery.

“Your Honor, First Mutual has declined to pay for the damages to my roof on the basis that the storm was an Act of God, but they haven’t offered any substantive proof that any such person exists; nor have they... Your Honor, an Act of God is just another word for Random Chance; what they’re saying is that something bad happened that nobody could control. But that’s what I have insurance for in the first place, in case something bad happens that I have no control over; so it seems like a cop-out to me.

“So, Your Honor, if there’s a God, I’d like to ask him if he did, in fact, tear the roof off my house; and if there’s no God, I’d like to establish that.”

“Mister Jackson, that’s...” The Judge looked irritated and constipated; looked, thought Jackson, just like your IT guy, about to explain that no, the Internet doesn’t work that way; and then, suddenly, his face cleared, and a look settled over it that could only be described as mischievous.

“No,” said the Judge. “The hell with it, I’ll play. Mister Trinh, call the witness.”

The small man seated at the base of the Judge’s impressively-high podium-thing looked up at the Judge blankly, then shrugged.

“The Court calls God to the witness stand,” he said, then looked around dramatically, as though trying to see if there was a God in the courtroom. There didn’t seem to be.

LOOK AWAY, said something, loudly, directly into the consciousness of everyone present, LEST YOU DIE, FOR NONE MAY LOOK UPON THE GLORY OF THE LORD AND LIVE.

There was a terrible light from the witness box. Ivan Johnson looked away, and clenched his eyes shut.

“God?” The voice was the court clerk, Trinh. There was a squeak in the single-syllable question, but Trinh sounded like someone determined to do his job.

YES, said the... it wasn’t a voice, it was just... it made Ivan’s head hurt just trying to think about what it was.

“God, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” Trinh was following the script doggedly, as though it was the only thing he had to cling to here. Probably true.

I AM THE TRUTH, said the not-a-voice. It was, Ivan thought, as though whoever was speaking hadn’t bothered actually making sounds with waves traveling through air, but instead just... just changed reality so that the words had arrived in the minds of whoever was supposed to hear it.

“I... I guess that’s a yes,” said Trinh.

IT SEEMS LIKE A COP-OUT, I KNOW, the Voice of God went on, BUT WHAT I SAY CHANGES THE NATURE OF REALITY, AND THEREFORE WHAT I SAY IS DEFINITIONALLY TRUE. WHAT I SAY IS, IS, AND ALWAYS WAS.

“I.. Of course,” said Trinh.

The Judge banged his gavel; he was holding his hand between his eyes and The Light. “Well,” he said, “I suppose this is your witness, Mister Jackson.”

Ivan stood up. He had actually prepared for this, as a thought experiment, though he never expected it to happen. He’d run through his questions in his head.

“God,” he said. “Did you knock the roof off my house?” His voice didn’t waver or squeak, and he was very proud of that.

YES, said God.

“I... oh,” said Ivan. His argument just... fell apart with that syllable, he knew. Not that it was probably a great legal argument in the first place, he’d just been making a point. But since he was here... “Why?”

BECAUSE THE NATURE OF THIS UNIVERSE IS CAUSAL, said God. THE END STATE THAT I DESIRE FOR THE UNIVERSE WAS NOT ACHIEVABLE WITHOUT DESTROYING YOUR ROOF.

Ivan’s eyes narrowed. He was looking at the ground in front of the witness stand; raising his eyes hurt. They were stinging, anyway.

“So you’re saying it was necessary for the greater good.”

YES.

“God, my Father died young. Was that also necessary to... to achieve the end state you desired for the Universe?”

Ivan felt petulant asking the question. Not only that, he wasn’t sure it was relevant to the Court case at hand... nevertheless.  He wanted an answer.

YES, said God.

“But... but what... God, why? Why must we suffer? Why couldn’t the Universe be more... perfect?”

IN A PERFECT UNIVERSE, NONE OF YOU WOULD EXIST, said God. NONE OF YOU IS PERFECT. ONCE PERFECTION IS COMPROMISED... ONCE MY WILL IS SUBJUGATED TO RULES LIKE CAUSALITY... ALL OUTCOMES MUST FLOW THROUGH THOSE RULES, OR THE UNIVERSE MUST BE DIFFERENT THAN IT IS.

“But... but I’m OK with that,” said Ivan. “I... don’t need the Universe to be perfect, just for... for my roof to be back on.” He was choking up. “For... for my father to have lived,” he said, quietly.

I UNDERSTAND, said God. BUT I CANNOT BE EXCEPT WHO I AM, AS YOU CANNOT BE EXCEPT AS YOU ARE, AND THE UNIVERSE CANNOT BE EXCEPT THAT IT IS.

“But... then what was the point in showing up here?” said Ivan. “You’ve given a very... frustrating answer to my question, a... a non-answer.”

NO, said God. I HAVE GIVEN THE ANSWER YOU ASKED FOR. I EXIST. I DESTROYED YOUR ROOF. THE INSURANCE COMPANY OWES YOU NOTHING.

Ivan actually stamped his foot. “So... so you’re here just to make sure that I get screwed?”

NO. YOU WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN PAID IN ANY CASE. I AM HERE TO MAKE CERTAIN THAT YOU BLAME ME, AND NOT A FACELESS CORPORATE ENTITY.

Frustrated anger coursed through Ivan. “But... but why?”

BECAUSE BELIEF IS BETTER THAN UNBELIEF, said God. BECAUSE, IVAN JACKSON, I WANT YOU TO BELIEVE IN ME, AND TO TELL OF ME.

“But I think you’re a bastard,” said Ivan. 

YES, said God, BUT YOU THINK THAT I AM, AND YOU NO LONGER SUSPECT THAT I AM SIMPLY A FIGMENT OF THE COLLECTIVE IMAGINATION.

 Ivan sat down. Nobody else in the Courtroom seemed to have anything to add.

“But,” he said, “If you’re constrained by Causality, if you’re... if changing things...” He was having trouble articulating his thought. “Aren’t you violating... Causality... by changing me...?”

I AM CHANGING YOUR MIND, said God. I DO NOT CHANGE CAUSALITY, BECAUSE YOU HAVE FREE WILL.

“But why?” asked Ivan. “Why... do anything? You’ve created the Universe, set it in motion, can choose its course from the first... why interfere?”

BECAUSE A GOD WHO CANNOT ACT IS NO GOD, said God, AND THIS IS A UNIVERSE WITH A GOD.

“I don’t understand,” said Ivan.

I KNOW, said God. IT WILL TAKE A WHILE.

Ivan sat down in his chair, suddenly exhausted with all of this. “No further questions,” he said, quietly. The light faded from the courtroom.